All the suggestions in the world won’t help if you don’t first turn a critical eye on yourself. At least, that’s the philosophy of Peter Pearson, PhD, a relationship expert who co-founded the California-based Couples Institute, which trains therapists to improve the joint lives of couples.
Pearsons insists individuals reflect on why their relationship is important before considering the union they’re hoping to create and what their goals are. “This will give you and your partner the motivation to do the work that will be necessary to reach that target,” Pearson says.
With that in mind, consider the following advice for being more romantic a starting point for meeting the needs of you and your partner.
First, put in the work-for yourself
Before giving your partner attention, Aron suggests taking stock of yourself. “A happy person will make their partner happy, too,” he says. Look within, and ask yourself whether you’re dealing with issues such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem that should be addressed-or if your communication skills allow you to hear and be responsive to your partner’s needs.
Plan a fun activity once a week
Way past the honeymoon phase? An easy method toward rekindling the flame is to try something new together. You don’t have to partake in a thrill sport like skydiving, but simple pastimes like trying a new cuisine or taking a cooking class can increase passion. As a result, you’ll learn to associate thrill and excitement with your partner, says Aron.
Celebrate even the smallest successes
Let your partner know their achievements are worth commemorating when something good (like a promotion, or a wave of luck) happens to them. “That has a more positive effect than just supporting them during periods of hardships,” Aron notes. To do so, plan a special homemade dinner or write them a card as a way of shouting your excitement from the mountaintops.
Revisit-or get to writing-those vows
Pearson encourages couples to reread or write new vows as a way of remembering the qualities that brought you together in the first place. If you’re not married, he suggests putting pen to paper. “Those vows are better than any tips any expert can give them,” Pearson says.
Think of creative new points of conversation
Date nights aren’t so special if they’re spent discussing work, politics, or the mundanities of everyday life. Instead, Pearson urges couples to switch things up by asking unexpected questions. For example, ask what your partner thinks about (other than work) during their daily commute, or what quality of yours they appreciate the most, so you can express it more often. Even childlike queries like, “What superhero power would you love to have?” work well. Then, ask what they’d be willing to give up to attain that power.
Befriend other couples
This may sound taxing, but cultivating warm and intimate friendships with other pairs can bring you closer, Aron says. Doing so will foster the feeling of mutual support and open you up to engage in deeper conversations the two of you may not have had on your own.
Regularly tell your partner what you love about them
It doesn’t cost anything to be thankful-and expressing gratitude for someone shows that you notice and appreciate their efforts. Do you appreciate their compassionate nature, or perhaps you love their energetic approach to the start of every day? Be specific with what qualities you value to most to indicate you’re paying close attention. Ultimately, small efforts to show recognition will make your partner feel seen.