For many people, the idea of dying alone might be horrifying. However, worse things exist in this world, such as continuing in a poisonous relationship.
It’s possible to feel suffocated and undervalued in toxic relationships. Why then do we continue when we know we need to go?
Coach Gina Gomez is an expert in all things relationship and breakup related. She discusses the actual cause of your inability to move on from your toxic relationship in an Instagram post.
The Hidden Reason It’s So Hard To Leave A Toxic Relationship
Gomez writes, “You know the relationship is toxic. The daily chaos tears at your soul, damaging your self-worth.”
Despite this, you stay and endure because being alone “means questioning your worth in ways you’ve been avoiding while keeping the focus on their drama.”
Understandably everyone wants to be loved in this lifetime. We want to feel special and feel like we are cared for. But a toxic relationship is just that — toxic. There is no love to be found only pain to be suffered.
Though you know this, you can’t bring yourself to leave.
“Being financially dependent on your partner can leave you feeling as if there’s no escape,” writes licensed counselor Helen Nieves. You may believe that if you leave, you’ll never make it alone, and for some that’s the real reason they stay.
For others, they believe they’re unloveable. Their partners convinced them that nobody would love their flaws and if they did leave, then they would truly be alone.
Regardless we need to find a way to break away so we can put ourselves first. But how do we do it?
“Start by pretending you are giving a friend advice,” suggests licensed Counselor Charessa Chee. She writes, “We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own.”
Then question your partner’s actions. Are they changing or willing to change? Do their actions align with their words? “Can they have a conversation and work through things,” writes Chee.
After all this, ask yourself if this person is good for you. Chee explains, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?”
Figuring out what’s important to you can help you make the right decision.
Staying Reinforces Your Belief That You Require Other’s Love To Be Worthy
This might sound a bit harsh, but if saying goodbye still feels like pulling teeth for you — this could be a sign that you’re using someone else’s love to measure your self-worth.
If you aren’t sure, ask yourself these questions. “Do you try and get praise from others”, advises Licensed therapist Jennifer Litner. Do you jump from relationship to relationship or feel bad about saying no? Or are you indecisive and scared to be independent?
If the answer checks out yes, then you tend to seek external validation.
But as Gomez writes, “Recognizing these insecurities is your ticket to freedom.”
Litner explains, “A 2016 study suggests that emotional validation from mothers, especially in childhood, builds emotional awareness.”
But when we don’t receive that love we end up struggling with many issues including:
Fear of rejection
Anxiety
Unpredictable behavior
Trust issues
As well as external validation.
According to licensed counselor Sherry Gaba, if you want to stop seeking external validation try:
Limiting or deleting social media
Acknowledging your improvements through journaling them.
Not asking for praise or acknowledgment.
Listen I get it — leaving a toxic relationship is hard. However, leaving can truly be a blessing in disguise.
Gomez writes, “Being alone means no longer hiding behind ‘girlfriend’ or ‘partner’ when asked who you are. It means questioning your worth in ways you’ve been avoiding while keeping the focus on their drama.”
