People who are drawn to deceptive personalities typically have a desire to see other people happy. Targets include “people pleasers” who may not have the highest self-esteem but are seeking happiness.
You may notice some of the following warning indicators that your spouse is controlling you if you have trusted them too much or too frequently, and if your relationship has started to give you anxiety.
“It’s not my fault. You are the one. Are you frequently told that you’re exaggerating the faults or actions of your partner and that you’re making things seem much worse than they actually are? A manipulator would want you to believe that, of course.
Humiliation tactics A manipulator conveniently embarrasses you in front of others and then does one of two things: acts as though he didn’t realize he would hurt your feelings or acts as though he does not care that he did. This tool works your self-esteem down and makes your partner feel better about himself — though, perhaps, he doesn’t realize that’s why he’s doing it.
Blaming others Whether she’s blaming you or anyone else, your partner won’t take responsibility for her bad conduct.
Emotional blackmail This takes the form of intimidation, shaming, guilt-tripping or threatening — saying things like, “I’ll die if you leave me,” or, “I can’t believe you would stoop so low after you did this the other day! You of all people!” Some manipulators may even resort to rage.
“Foot-in-the-door” technique Your partner makes a small request that is easy to agree to and then follows it up with his real request. This makes it hard for you to say no. If you do, your partner acts hurt or upset, making you out to be the bad guy. Now you’re on the defensive and your partner has won the round.
Guilt and shaming Has your partner ever started a conversation that turned into, “You don’t love me enough,” or, “Why are you always on your butt watching TV or playing games?” A manipulator will try to make you feel like you never do enough, causing you to feel like her emotional problems are somehow your fault. Again, this brings down your self-esteem, making you a pliable, easy target.
Playing the innocent Whenever there’s a conflict, your partner somehow makes himself out to be the injured party — every time. He ends up making you feel for him, and you sympathize with his bad experiences. You may even end up comforting him, apologizing for something (or everything), and telling him you’ll do better next time. How is it that he becomes the innocent party every time?
The joker A manipulative partner will make you feel intimidated, ashamed and embarrassed when you’re together and when you’re out with friends. If this happens and a friend confronts your partner about being rude or insulting, your partner will often try to pass offensive comments off as “jokes.” However, those who are paying attention will hear the insulting undertones that are present beneath the “humor.”
Gaslighting Does your partner say or do things that make you feel like you must be crazy and then tell you you’re making something out of nothing? You’re not alone. This is known as gaslighting. Your partner twists the truth or leaves out certain information to make you doubt your own perception — and sanity. Gaslighting is very disorienting, and it’s a form of emotional abuse.
