As I’ve said in earlier posts, it’s normal to experience envy and to occasionally feel nervous and upset with your partner.
Yes, it could annoy you when your significant other brings up a past romantic relationship or becomes especially amiable when chatting with a pretty individual. We’ve seen how jealousy can lead to thoughts like “She will leave me for someone else,” “He finds her attractive,” “I am losing it—I am no longer attractive,” and “Mind Reading.” It makes sense that you could experience anxiety and anger if these thoughts turn out to be accurate. However, there are healthy strategies to deal with your emotions as well as unhealthy ones.
Let’s look at some typical things that you might find yourself doing and ask yourself, “Will this give me the security that I want?”
Interrogating Your Partner: This happens when you put your partner on trial and inquire about every detail that you can imagine: “What did they say? What did you say? Who else was there? Did you find them attractive?” It’s possible that “incriminating evidence” will be disclosed and then you will be vindicated in your role as prosecutor. But it is also possible that this will backfire. If you are interrogating your partner it is also likely you are alienating the person you want to be close to.
Checking for information—on social media, on text messages and email: In this case you are trolling your partner looking for clues. One man who was dating a woman he really loved would check her out on social media and get upset when a “friend” would comment on her postings. When he did this checking it increased his jealousy and led him to interrogate his partner even more. This added to their conflict and created more uncertainty in the relationship.
Withdrawing to see if they are still interested: Sometimes you may think that pouting and withholding and withdrawing will “send a message”. If your partner really loved you then they would check out what is wrong and try to make you feel better. Maybe. But maybe they will think that you are too moody and they might withdraw, too. We know that in relationships, negatives often lead to negatives. The two of you may unravel because you are not connecting but are practicing reciprocal disconnection.
Asking for reassurance that you are still attractive: This is a natural tendency that many of us have, but continually seeking reassurance may make your partner feel that you are too insecure, too high-maintenance, and too demanding. Accept and appreciate compliments when you get them, but don’t go fishing. It will only add to your insecurity and, ironically, to more reassurance seeking.
Trying to control your partner: Sometimes you think that you can convince your partner not to be around other people who are “tempting” or “appealing”. You might try to guilt trip them, warn them, or make them feel uneasy. But no one likes to be controlled and your partner may become more defiant and intentionally insist that they should be able to do whatever they want to do.
