Okay, it does occur. You begin by doing a quick Google search on someone to make sure they’re not a serial killer or something, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the matrix surrounded by his mother’s maiden name, blood type, social security number, and other details you’ll never be able to remove!
Here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that every lady has done, so the next time you wake up feeling like a drowning Google search victim, you can feel better about yourself.
1. Looking him up so much on Instagram that his ex-girlfriend’s handle auto populates in the search bar. “Um, no, I also know Caitlin … She was my roommate’s friend’s coworker who studied abroad together.” —a paper thin excuse you hope you never have to trot out.
2. Deleting your search history before you hang out because you just can’t risk it. Then you have to search a bunch of random dog accounts and memes to look up so it doesn’t look suspiciously empty.
3. Opening up a private browsing window just to stalk his LinkedIn. The time you save figuring out his major and honors activities on your own time is time you could spend asking the important questions later on, like: What is the ideal ratio of sons to daughters you would like to have? Where will you be spending the holidays? Classic colonial or midcentury modern for your starter home?
4. Going so far back in Google results that you find his high school sports rankings. Oooh, varsity track. Nice. Bonus points if you then look up his high school’s Wikipedia page to find out just how competitive that track program was.
5. Trying to view his profile from your friends’ accounts so it’s “not weird.” “I know you’re on the phone with your mom, but lemme just check out his Instagram story real quick! No, I can’t use my own phone. Because it looks desperate that’s why.”
6. Accidentally memorising his Grandpa’s obituary and thus his entire family tree. Whoa, how’d you end up on his maternal grandmother’s cousin’s sister’s uncle’s Ancestry.com page? Haha, weird.
7. Curating your conversation around things you noticed he likes. Extra points if you then try to downplay said new info to make it look … casual. “Oh you’re into The Cure? Crazy how *looks at hand* ‘that is a band,’ huh?”
8. Stalking his Facebook with the precision of a surgeon. As in, elbows locked at your sides, sitting upright, avoiding the trackpad like the plague (just in case you slip and 24 mouse clicks later, accidentally like profile picture no. 78 out of 140.)
9. Viewing his Instagram on private browsing so you won’t accidentally like anything. It’s too easy! Also videos: You obv wanna see them, but the risk of accidentally liking while trying to play or adding too many new loops would totally out you.
10. Looking at his Venmo. So precious how he and his roommate Jake split utilities on there! LOL. “What do you think this means?” you ask all your friends about what is clearly a straightforward food bill being split. You aren’t too sure though — guys can be so mysterious.
